Good Enough

It has been a long time since I have blogged.  I have really been wanting to get into this more regularly but have just been busy.  I have wanted to journal and this seems like a great way to do it.   A little public, but a good place to share my life and thoughts.  Lately I have been reflecting on how hard it can be to be a woman.  To be married, raise children, keep in shape, help out at school, in the community, maintain a home, maintain friendships, etc.  The list goes on and on.  What we women try to accomplish in today's world is amazing and borderline insanity.  I keep thinking it shouldn't be so hard.  What am I doing wrong that it is so hard?  Well, I have no great answers.  Just many collective thoughts and theories.  I think we set the bar too high.  I think we are too hard on ourselves.  I think we don't ask for help often enough.  Help can come from spouses, family, friends, children, etc.  I really think people want to help you just have to ask and be open.  It doesn't hurt to offer help in return either.   I think the media totally sucks and makes us all feel inferior and just not good enough.  I am tired of feeling that way.  I am good enough.  Maybe even better than that.  We spend so much time criticizing what we aren't instead of recognizing what we are.  I am a good mother (most of the time).  I don't have the cleanest house, but my kids play here, are safe here, and are happy here.  I cook pretty well most nights of the week.  I try to help friends when I can.  I love volunteering with my church and get so much back in return.  I am trying to teach my children to be charitable and look outside of their own little world.  I am proud of that.  I am 37 and I can still teach a kick-ass cycling and kickboxing class if I do say so myself.  I am constantly striving to be better and to improve myself.  I hope to be doing that all the days of my life.  We are never to old to learn, change, improve, or make a difference.  I try to pray every day.  Some days/weeks are better than others.  My faith is very important to me and I am trying not to take it for granted.  I have many things I could do better, bad habits, bad days, etc.  I am trying to keep going and move forward.  Enjoy something out of every day.  I don't want to look back and say I missed those moments that were right in front of me.  Live, laugh, love every day.  Forgive yourself. Forgive others.  Apologize when needed. You don't have to do everything all the time.  Say no so that you are not too tired or burnt out to say yes the next time.  Take time for yourself.  Love yourself.  Then it is easier for others to as well.  I have a long way to go on this journey.  This is where I am right now.  And that is good enough!

Well, so much for blogging over the summer! We were out of town visiting family so much that I just couldn't keep up. I have every intention of continuing this record of my journey with my family as soon as all my kids are back in school. Two of them go back today! Josie is starting the 6th grade and Bella the 3rd. I cannot believe it! Time flies. Tessa will start her second year of preschool in two weeks and then next year, kindergarten. I am going to try and enjoy this year with her home. I am always sad when the older girls go back to school but then I remember how nice it is to have some one-on-one time with Tessa. Soon enough I will be longing for the days of all of the girls being together under my roof. My oldest is already very social and on the go. I like knowing where they are at all times so this has been hard. I am so happy for the independence and maturity, but it is bittersweet. To know that I won't always be the biggest influence in their lives is scary. I can only hope I have done my job well enough that they can do well and make good decisions. Well, I am off to wake children for school! Hope it is a great year!

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my 36th birthday. I really don't go too crazy on my own birthday. It is more fun celebrating the girls' birthdays. They are so excited and borderline obnoxious! I remember the days when it was all about the birthday girl. You got to be the center of attention for a full 24 hours if not more. If you had a party then it was really great! Usually the birthday girl was crying or mad by the end of the day - too much attention is not a good thing! I also remember the presents! I remember wanting to be older. I remember feeling so special. I am sure I owe a lot of that feeling to my parents and siblings. It is funny how different a birthday is now. I don't want to be the center of attention. I don't really want any parties either. Don't get me wrong, I love gifts and all that, but it is just a different feeling now. I am awake right now in a quiet house and just thinking about what this day means to me. I feel wiser. I feel content. I feel lucky. I feel healthy. I feel a little tired. I feel calm. No craziness for today. I am just going to enjoy all that I have every day of the year. A great family. A great home. Wonderful friends. My health. My choices. My life.

Great friends!

I have some of the greates friends in the world! I went out for my birthday last night (a couple days early). I was tired, had just taught a class, and hadn't showered. I did my best to clean up, throw dinner on the table for my family, and run out the door. I walked in to the restaurant and saw my friends and immediately felt better. I have been friends with these women for 6 years or more now. We don't talk every day or even see each other every week. But when we get together we catch up and it feels like no time has passed. It is the easiest, most supportive friendships I have had in my adult life. Maybe my whole life, excluding my family and some great college friends. I can be myself, share my woes, complain a little if I need to, ask for advice and just laugh. I am so grateful for them and don't think I say it enough. They are my rock in these crazy motherhood times. We all bring something to the table that is different and unique that makes this the best mom's group ever! Thank you girls for your friendship! It means the world to me and I don't know what I would do without it.

Summer: Day 2

Since we went away for the weekend right after they got out of school, yesterday was officially the 1st day of summer. It was great not having to come home from the gym (I teach at 6 am on Mondays) and wake the girls up for school. I walked in the door - they were already up. So much for sleeping in. Field Hockey camp started for my oldest so we were out the door before 9 am. Went to the grocery store with the other 2, and it wasn't so bad. No forced purchases of candy or soda! Came home and my oldest went to a friend's house. I did not see her until 5:30 pm. She is so social right now. It makes me a little sad. I like when they are where I can see them every now and then. I prayed for her independence and now that she has it, I want her back. She went from being a kid to a preteen overnight. My other two played with their best friend, Cori, at her house and then here. They also included the 4 1/2 year old twin boys next store in their escapades. They were outside all day! I however was inside trying to get my house together. I think I forgot to clean it the last month of school. It was gross! I have only partially finished the first level. Only 3 more to go. Now that the attic (our new master suite) is done I have more to clean! I am not going to complain b/c I love our new bedroom. So peaceful to finally have our own space. Todays agenda: clean the attic, and get ready to paint Josie's room. Lots to do this summer! Hope I take time to enjoy it!

A day in the life...

Here is a description of my day yesterday. It is basically what I do most days with a few exceptions. Wake up at 5 something in the morning. Go to gym and teach a class or take a class. Come home at 7 am and wake up older 2 girls for school. Hope the youngest sleeps long enough to get other 2 off to school. Make breakfast for myself, husband, and one daughter. My oldest, thank God, is rather self-sufficient. Help make 2 lunches for school, put some pony-tails in someone's hair, check backpacks, send kids off to school. Myself or my husband usually walks them. Not because we have to because we like to. Come back, get 3rd child situated w/ milk, dry cereal, and yes, a television show. Mom needs a few minutes to assess the day, clean the kitchen, and get my act together. Call neighbor and offer to watch her twin boys for a couple hours. She has a two week old baby and I so remember how exhausting that is. Tessa plays with the boys and it goes well. Then I get on the phone with someone from school and they find the martian maker gel and make art work with it. Needless to say, everyone is put outside and I make lunch for them. They are being good and continue to play while I have a church committee meeting at my house. It is easier for me to not have to find a sitter so I have it here. Meeting goes well, with many interruptions from my child, asking for gum and popsicles. I say no to a second popsicle and she says she hates me. Then she hurts herself and I can't find her ice pak so she throws the mother of all tantrums. Yes, my church committee meeting is still going on. Nailpolish is thrown from her bedroom, where I have banished her to. You ask "how did she get the nailpolish?" I say, "what a great question!" Tantrum lasts longer than my meeting. I go outside to breathe, and catch the twin boys peeing off their front porch. I go find my neighbor to see if she is aware and we just laugh. I walk to school, get my kids, have them and their friends come over to play for a while. It turns into dinner and sleepovers! Bedtime for younger kids: 9 pm. Bedtime for older kids: who knows, I left them in basement watching movies with my husband on patrol. Bedtime for me: 10 pm! I am exhausted and could have gone to bed at 7 pm. I am up now again at 5 something in the morning. Everyone is asleep still. My quietest, most sane moment of the day is right now. It is what gets me through the rest of the day. I know today will be just like yesterday: long, busy, tantrum-filled, mental exhaustion from preteen drama, full of me saying no and trying to stick to it, my husband will be working, I will question myself at least 200 times, ask myself if I will survive, can I continue at this pace?, for how long?, I will feel guilty alot, I will drink too much coffee (I have to stop that), and I will pray to make it through another day. This pretty much sums up a day in my life. Life is crazy, but it is good. I know I will miss these days and I keep reminding myself to enjoy the little moments. There are so many good little moments that make up my life. I just have to stop and take notice. Life's little moments from yesterday: my 4 year old told me I was pretty, my 8 year old smiled at me with her smile that says "I love you", my 11 year old asked me if I was okay and listened to me talk about my day, my husband came home and talked to me about his day and I could tell that he is just as tired as I am-he works so hard. If I hadn't stopped to think about these things I might not have noticed how great they were.

Happy 4th Birthday Tessa!

Four years old today! I can't believe it! Time goes by so quickly. I remember waking up four years ago today wondering if today was the day you would enter the world. You were already a week late. I was glad you did not show up on Bella's birthday, the 19th, but a week late? Come on! Well if I had known your personality then like I do now, I would have understood. You will come when you are damn good and ready. You are quite an individual. You do what you want, when you want, how you want. You love to change your clothes 3 to 4 times a day if not more. Your outfits lately have been causing me some concern, many dance leotards that don't fit anymore! It is easiest to let you just wear them. I have other battles to pick with you. You are quite the little tantrum thrower. I think now that you are 4, we should rethink this approach. You are so independent and funny. You love to laugh at everything and everyone, including yourself. You are quite the mix of Josie and Bella, who both adore you (most of the time)! You and your dad are still good buddies - again, when you want to be. You are tough. If you are in the mood, you two are inseparable. You and I spend a lot of time together. We do pretty well and have fun. You are great at playing independently if I am doing some work, but you prefer to do things together. I love being with you, good days and not-so-good days. I only have one more year left until kindergarten so I am going to enjoy every moment. Love you.